On a particular night in the land of Fantagorymoryir, many moons ago, when the trees were still and pregnant with melancholy, and the birds were silent and roosting on said trees, when the worms were heaving small sighs of relief to be safe from said birds and squirming about in their hidey-holes under the soil which for some reason is never filmed in great detail in epic fantasy sagas-- this one being no exception, a hooded woman shuffled through the forest, cradling an equally cloaked baby in her arms. She panted softly as she ambled across the tall grass, tripping once or twice over some misplaced pebbles that Providence had forgotten to clear away. The baby was just as quiet as she, save for some occasional whimpering as it clung onto its mother's breast, as if vaguely aware of the crisis that was to befall (its hunger, that is. What, you expected a baby to know of the great curse that was to send the land tumbling into ruin, or of its unique destiny to save its homeland once it reached the age of seventeen? You read too many fantasy novels). The young woman ignored it, picking up speed as she raced against time to reach her destination before daybreak. At last, her mouth-- which had been pursed with worry, anxiety and post-natal depression-- curved into a smile. She stepped forward in awe, spellbound by the breathtaking spectacle that she had only heard about in legends.

The Magical Toadstool Formation stood spectacularly at the exit of the forest. It was made up of magical toadstools in a ring formation. Auras of various magical energies gathered within the ring, forming a mirage of rainbow colours. The woman stepped tentatively into the formation, feeling the energy purify her mind, soul, and the faint smell of milk that had been plaguing her throughout the journey. She laid the baby on the ground, kneeling down in front of it, tears streaming down those soft blue eyes that her son had so beautifully inherited.

"My dear child," she told him, as his hood fell from his head and revealed the trademark of his birth, the defining trait that was to fulfill the prophecy laid down by the gods of Fantagorymoryir (herculehastings, Wstfgl and TimeDragon888) before running off to chill at the Elite Gods Club. She caressed the faint traces of hair that he was starting to develop, which was already exemplifying the very trademark mentioned before, her fingers trembling.

"My dear child," she repeated, her thoughts flying towards the elaborate spell she was going to cast later which might cost her her life. The spell would open up a portal which would transport her baby to a strange place named Earth, where she hoped he would be free of the disastrous curse that had been laid by the horrible demon Echelonus Zardium. However, she knew that it was imperative that he would return to the land of his birth once more, as the prophecy dictated, and claim the life insurance that she had bought restore peace and light into Fantagorymoryir once more. As of now, though, it was the selfishness of a mother that prevailed.

She scattered some seeds of magic around the boy and muttered the proper incantations. The spell would take effect ten minutes from now. She tried to tear away from her beloved baby lest he saw her losing consciousness and became frightened, but she found her strength ebbing away from her. The baby reached out a dimpled fist and prodded its mother, imploring her to stay. Its lips quivered, and in the next second, loud wails could be heard.

"No, my child, don't be dismayed!" the woman cried out, collapsing onto the ground in weakness. How could she bear to leave him forever? He was her heart and soul, her flesh and blood, and her only hope in life. It might even be a good thing that she would die after he left, for her life had been wrenched out of her with this decision. Am I making the right decision? Will he be happy without me to take care of him?

It was then that she noticed something that made her narrow her eyes, and she sighed, both in relief and in disappointment.

"Alright," she said, "I'll change your diaper for you."

-------------------------------------------------

Mr and Mrs Smoke Ketchum were the town's newspapermen. Well, strictly speaking, only Mr Ketchum was, and his wife merely stayed at home and cooked pasty lunches (reflecting the state of her face) and nagged at him to be more ambitious and forward-looking in his life. It was because of the job (certainly NOT the wife, of course, definitely) that Mr Ketchum woke up very early everyday. Today was no exception. What awaited him when he opened the door, though, was a basket.

"Hey, Missus, thar's a basket waitin' fer us," he hollered into the house. "'Tink it's a bomb?"

"Well, on'y one way ter fa'nd out!" was the answer. "Open it!" And so Mr Ketchum lifted the cloth covering the basket and found a sleeping baby.

"Ah fa'nd a sleepin' baby!" he reported to readers who might not be literate.

Footsteps were heard, and Mrs Ketchum poked her face out from behind her husband's shoulder, gasping as she took a close look and confirmed that for once, he was right.

"'Tis a sleepin' baby indeed!" she whistled.

"Well, it ain't so sleepin' now," remarked he, noticing the baby opening its eyes and peering at them.

"How cute!" the wife fawned, pointing at its head. "And it's got a centre partin' in its 'air too! 'Tink dat means somethin'?"

"Ah yes, yeah," the husband agreed. "'E needs some 'airstylin'."

To save the trouble of hearing garbled accents further, the writer will briefly summarise the main plot points of this episode. The boy's centre parting was duly noted for a few more minutes, and Mrs Ketchum pointed out that this seemed a lot like a 'Arry Potter book, and she liked 'Arry Potter and thought they should name him 'Arry, and Mr Ketchum argued that he'd always liked Draco Malfoy better, and suggested quite foolishly that they ought to merge the two names together. With some vehemence on the baby's part, they agreed on the name, took him in and started his new life on Earth.

His new life as Marry Ketchum.

The land of Fantagorymoryr was currently disturbingly quiet. It was too quiet, in fact, for Extremely Villainous Imperial Lord Ganondork Ultimus Yog'SoySauce (EVIL GUY for short). Indeed, for Ganondork was currently scheming on how best to convert this peaceful planet into a barren wasteland incapable of supporting life. His plans after that were a little fuzzy, but he was sure that an idea would pop up in his head sooner or later.

Ganondork lived in an era of the past - an era when dragons were mostly green and black and were mostly mind-controlled by his subordinates, when the Angry Elves and Wimpy Elves were still one civilization known as the Overly Emotional Elves, when the Hidden Temple was still used as a secret hiding place for objects of ultimate power and not a popular tourist attraction. For some strange reason, epic battles of good and evil always happened in this kind of era, providing suitable material for the bards of the future to concoct boring old songs about.

Built directly in the middle of the biggest continent of Fantagorymoryr was a huge, black castle (colour-coded for your convenience). There was no life within a 5 kilometre radius; Ganondork had specifically ordered his soldiers to kill every single insect, mammal and bird within sight. It was crucial for an Evil Lord to maintain his image, he said. Partially because of this, most people regarded this castle as a symbol of impending doom. Indeed, there was even a huge, friendly sign which read "LOSE HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER" hanging cheerfully at the main entrance, smiling down upon all who walk past.

It was within this very castle that Ganondork stood, gazing thoughtfully out of a window. Once in a while, he would stroke his non-existent beard slowly in an attempt to look wise and knowledgeable. There were no lights in the room (once again, to uphold the whole Evil Lord image), shrouding his figure in darkness. Without a sound, a demon materialized from within the darkness, bowing deeply before Ganondork.

"My Lord," the demon named Echelonus Zardium spoke. "The wolves have failed to recapture the fleeing rabbit."

"...What?" Ganondork turned from the window, his heavily tattooed face twisted with confusion. He spoke in a very thick evil lord-ish accent, and Echelonus Zardium could detect hints of red font floating in the air.

"The wolves have failed to-"

"Oh, stop speaking in that stupid code language. Nobody's here except you and me."

"Very well, my Lord," Echelonus Zardium bowed even lower, causing his voice to become muffled by the ground. "Mmmf hmmf mmf mmmff hmffff."

"Speak louder, will you?" Ganondork was getting impatient. You wouldn't want to be at the receiving end of the wrath of a Dark Lord with ultimate power.

The demon seemed to sense this as well, and repeated in a louder voice, "The child has disappeared."

Ganondork chose to remain silent for a moment. He stared at the demon, considered destroying it in a brilliant display of fireworks for a few moments, then wisely decided otherwise. Carefully choosing his words, he said, "You have failed me yet again, Echelonus Zardium. Go and find the child, or be destroyed." Then, as a soft afterthought, "~squee~! I sound so cool with my scary voice~!"

Trembling in fear, the demon mumbled a "Yes, my lord," before backing out of the room, head still bowed low. Turning back to gaze out of the window, a single nagging thought crept into Ganondork's mind.

If I'm all-powerful and all-knowing, why don't I simply go and kill the child myself?

The answer came almost immediately.

Maybe tomorrow.

As the years went by, the boy Marry Ketchum slowly grew up and matured. He became a lanky awkward teen facing the usual problems of school and trashy teenage romance, and faced bullying due to a unique trait setting him apart from everyone else-- his centre parting. Even with the numerous attempts at 'airstylin' that Mr Ketchum had unleashed upon the child, his mousy brown hair just refused to grow into the line that was halving his head symmetrically. No matter the hairstyle (be it long and flowing, Afro-style or just plain bald), the centre parting resisted any intentions to mask it. (wait... does this mean the centre parting was evident even when he was bald?!)

And on Marry's seventeenth birthday, as all his friends gathered in the living-room of the hut that he shared with his parents to celebrate the day of his entrance into this world, as the prophecy had dictated, an earth-shattering event happened.

It all began with a knock on the front door in the middle of the birthday song that Marry's friends were crooning as they clustered around the cake. Everyone stopped short as the knocking continued persistently and turned to stare inquiringly at Marry. Had he invited someone who was arriving fashionably late? But all they saw on the birthday boy's face was an expression of equal blankness. He shrugged, and shuffled towards the door to open it.

What awaited him were two men. One of them was a dark-skinned chap with gleaming white teeth when he grinned, while the other was a hooded figure whose face was concealed beneath his hood and as such, his identity could not be ascertained besides his black cloak and Crocs slippers at his feet. The dark-skinned man grinned at Marry, then at the second man, and said (still with a grin on his face), "Thank you very much for joining the Grand World Tour, courtesy of Hong Sisters Travel. For the extra fee of seventy dollars, we have taken you to your intended destination. We hope you have enjoyed your seventeen years of exploring Earth with Hong Sisters Travel!"

"Oh, er, thanks," the hooded man muttered. "You may depart now." That the first man willingly did, walking away with no doubt the grin still plastered on his visage. Marry focused now on the hooded man, asking quite politely, "What do you want? Do you know that you're disturbing my seventeenth birthday party?"

"Oh, you've got guests?" the hooded man craned his neck to peep into the interior of the house, but not enough to reveal his face. He shrank back again at the sight of the crowd mingling within. "I'm Echelonus Zardium, and... can I have a word with you in private?"

"Okay," said the very streetwise Marry, and followed Echelonus Zardium doggedly out of the house. They came to the lawn, and Echelonus Zardium threw aside the hood, revealing a startlingly ordinary face. "Guess what? I'm actually an evil demon that's laid a curse on your homeland, Fantagorymoryir, and am here now to kill you before you can fulfil the prophecy that dictated that you'll destroy me and lift said curse on your seventeenth birthday! That's... tomorrow, right?"

Marry blinked. "No, it's actually today," he informed the demon. "I hope you've brought me a present, or else you're not invited to the party."

"Truth be told, I couldn't be bothered," Echelonus Zardium admitted. "I hate childish parties, and I've come here to murder you anyway. I'll have my own party with my fellow demons... after you're dead! Teeheeeheeeheee!" he flung his head back in overwhelming evil laughter, raising his hands for effect.

Oh no, am I really going to die in the hands of an evil demon on my birthday? It's probably time to cue some miracle to save me!

It was certainly a very eventful day in Marry's rather sleepy hometown. Not only had an otherworldly demon of unimaginable power finally tracked down his target, an unsuspecting Marry Ketchum, but the milkman was late for the first time in the town's history -- a shock that came so great to many townspeople that some of the older folk actually died of heart attacks upon hearing the news. It was the kind of event that awed youngsters would ask their parents about for years to come -- "Mummy, what were you doing when the milkman was late that morning?" Also, it had practically nothing to do with the previous event... or so we think. However, I digress -- for right now, yet another interesting thing was happening just a few dozen yards from the Ketchums' doorstep.

There was suddenly a bright flash of multicoloured light, a sound comparable to that of several hundred thousand schoolchildren saying "Shoop" at the same time, and an inexplicable, lingering smell of roasted capsicums. Then, a cardboard box of average size materialized in a suitably impressive manner a few feet above the ground, dropping to the asphalt with a thud. Had someone looked closely at the box, they would have noticed the mystical runes of arcane power inscribed on it, reading, "FedEx -- We Live To Deliver."

Then, the top of the box opened up, and a rather seasick-looking, diminutive figure stepped out of it, before crumpling the box up and stuffing it unceremoniously into his incredibly voluminous (and electric-blue) afro haircut. This man was none other than a legendary warrior of Fantagorymoryir, Awesome McBadAssCoolSaucetavish THE FOURTH, renowned for his great courage in spite of his small stature, as well as his smoldering, psychopathic rage towards anyone who pointed out the latter. He was here on a mission -- and it was very certainly NOT exacting revenge on someone who had made fun of his appearance.

Immediately, he set to work, pulling out a ridiculously complicated compass-like device helpfully marked “Plot-dar 2000” from somewhere within the murky depths of his trench coat and banging it on a lamp post several times. After a few seconds of unsettling ticking and vibrating, the needle finally started pointing straight towards Marry’s house. Ah, there we go.

Immediately, he hurried towards the house, trying his best not to trip on the trench coat, which was obviously made for someone at least a head taller. Then, he pulled something out of his afro once more, before dramatically swinging it at the wall of Marry’s house…

…

Just as Echelonius Zardium was just about to finish his maniacal laughter and get down to actually killing his helpless victim, the wall behind him suddenly imploded in a massive cloud of dust. Then, out of nowhere, a hot-blooded, extremely catchy electric guitar riff started playing as a figure dramatically strode through the dust cloud.
It was, rather predictably, Awesome, who was making a dramatic entrance in accordance to narrative conventions. Also in accordance to narrative conventions, his oversized trench coat was billowing behind him, and he was holding his weapon of choice -- which was what appeared to be an understandably-pissed-off cat with its tail tied to a stick. Immediately, he dramatically gave that monstrosity of a weapon a good swing (causing the poor cat to yowl angrily, and boomed, “Avaunt, foul fiend! Who da hell do yer think I am?! It is I, McBadAssCoolSaucetavish THE FOURTH, THE SEXY! SHIRTLESS!! WARRIOR!!! OF!!!! JUUUUSTICE!!!!!!!”

Unsurprisingly, both Marry and Echelonius turned towards him, staring at him confusedly and murmuring in unison, “What.”

“Aww, come on! Do I have ta repeat that? I am-“

“Okay, okay, I get it.” Echelonius muttered. He then gestured to the door just six feet from the hole that Awesome had opened to get in. “You know, there was a door.”

“Doors? Buh! That’s for pansies who can’t find da right end of a halberd IF IT WAS STOOCK IN THEIR GUTS!!!” Then, he dramatically brandished the cat-flail again, smashing more of the Ketchums’ furniture. “Avaunt, or I shall smite yar!”

“So this is one of those generic plot twists where someone pops up and saves the main character, I see. So be it.” Then, he gestured towards the music player protruding from Awesome’s pocket, which was still blaring out the electric guitar riff from earlier on. “Turn that off, will you?”

Awesome sighed disappointedly, reluctantly muting the music player and shoving it back into his pocket. Then, he charged straight towards Echelonius, whirling the cat-flail. Echelonius sneered derisively, raising his arm to block the inevitable flurry of angry cat scratches heading his way.

YEEEEOOOOOOWLLLLLL!!!!

Echelonius calmly held up the wildly flailing cat by the scruff of his neck, and sneered, “That’s all you’ve got, shorty? A cat on a stick? I expected more from the second-greatest warrior in all of Fantagorymoryir.”

…

Then, Awesome bit down hard on Echelonius’ crotch.
Immediately, the demon screamed in extreme agony, dissolving into a formless cloud of black smoke that flew out of the window, hissing, ”I’ll get you for this, Awesome McBadAssCoolSauceTavish! He then calmly turned towards Marry, who was still standing there and staring at him in shock, quipping, “It’s like how mah dad always told me – If they stand head an’ shoulders over yar, yer teeth are level with his balls. Damn good advice, I would say.”

Then, he paused, pulled out a scrap of paper with the words “Exposition” scribbled on the top and read it, before continuing, “Now, I’ve gotta talk to yer about yar destiny, lad.”

The demon had been chased away! By none other than the second-greatest warrior in Fantamollerwhatsisloop too. Marry was tempted to give a whoop of delight, but that did not feel appropriate in front of the suave figure in an Afro head and a trenchcoat (a trenchcoat! Did they even make them these days? He must inquire where the fellow had it made). He instead settled for a smug grin towards the fast disappearing black smoke trailing in the air.

“Now, I’ve gotta talk to yer about yar destiny, lad.”

Marry brightened at the familiar accent. "Oh, are you from these parts too? I didn't know this town was called Fantagorrermollywhoop. I always thought it was... well..." he scratched his head musingly, letting his hair cover the prominent centre parting momentarily before falling apart again, "the Town. So you must be a wrestler, if what the demon said had been true. That was a demon, right? Or maybe he was a Satanist, I didn't quite catch it." When Marry began talking, it was a challenging endeavour to silence him again.

"Hm, you were talking to me about my destiny, right? Or you said you were going to. So are you a moonlighting fortune-teller at the same time? Must I show you my palm or tell you my birth date? I'm an Aries, my Daddy says. I was born on the twenty-seven-and-a-half-th of March, which is today," he reported. "If you're a tea-leaf reader, I'm afraid I don't drink tea. Will milk do? I like milk. And if this helps, I read the newspapers just now. The horoscopes section told me that, er...

"This is not the right time for dealing with challenging activities, for you seem to be lacking practical sense.

Today you are advised not to take initiative at work or in business. You might prove not to be very inspired," he reeled off the quote proudly.

"I think that means I shouldn't do homework today."

Ganondork was, yet again, staring out of his window in a menacing fashion. There was nobody in the great hall to watch him do that, but he remained in that position anyway, in case someone suddenly popped out and announced that he was on Candid Camera. He wanted to look cool in front of his fans.

With what sounded like a thousand people going "WHOOSH" at the same time, the demon Echelonus Zardium materialized in the room in a puff of black smoke, almost causing Ganondork to jump. "How many times have I told you to knock before entering?" He asked irritatedly. "It's basic manners, you know."

"Sorry, my lord," the demon replied, bowing deeply. "I have good news, bad news and worse news. The good news is, I've found the boy after seventeen years of travelling the Earth with an extremely unreliable tour company. The bad news is, he got away with the help of Awesome McBadAssCoolSaucetavish the Fourth. Also, I think I may have become infertile."

"... So what's the worse news?" Ganondork asked, raising an eyebrow. Echelonus squirmed but said nothing. "Very well, since you are unable to defeat Awesome by yourself, I will just have to use overly-elaborate methods to give you additional powers that I could have given to you seventeen years ago."

"Why don't you just go kill the boy yourself, master?" asked Echelonus.

"Because that would be completely anticlimactic," explained Ganondork. "The fans would never like it that way. You need to give them some tension, some suspense. Now do you see the brilliance of my plan?"

"You are certainly wise, master."

"Now, prepare for your upgrade."

Raising his hands, Ganondork gestured furtively towards Echelonus, chanting something that sounded suspiciously like "Igloo Oogly Agagaga Oog Eeg Ag Oogoo!" Dark fires lit up all around the demon on cue, burning fiercely as an epic latin chant started playing in the background. Words that seem to have been written out of blood appeared on the ground, reading:

"Patching in progress... 100% complete."

Echelonus suddenly grew twice as large, sprouted several horns in various places, and his eyes started glowing a fabulous purple. Then the fires died down, and the process was complete. The demon looked at himself, smiled, and bellowed, "BIG MUSCLE STRONG!" With a flash and a bang, he was gone, once again heading to cause havoc for Marry Ketchum and his protector.

Ganondork facepalmed. "Why must the demons always undergo a degradation in their mental capacities when they get stronger?"

Awesome impatiently listened to Marry's ramblings for a few moments, and was getting rather annoyed by the time Marry got to reeling off his horoscope prediction. Gah, was the Oracle right about this kid being the one who would save Fantagorymoryir? He looks completely worthless, my grandmother could do a better job.

When Marry mentioned that a gypsy fortune-teller had predicted he would be a chartered accountant and die childless and unloved in a motel in Prague after a long battle with testicular cancer, Awesome snapped. This kid talks too damn much. It's getting on my nerves. Immediately, he pulled out the cat-flail again, giving it a few swings before setting it to "stun". (Actually, said "stun" setting was knocking the cat out cold with the handle so it wouldn't scratch, but it worked anyway). Then, he attempted to bash Marry over the head.

Unfortunately, Awesome was a dwarf, and was all of four feet tall, so his attempt at aiming at Marry's head went wide, and the cat thwacked him in the groin instead. Immediately, Marry doubled over in pain, bringing his head down low enough for Awesome to whack him once again in the head, knocking him unconscious. Then, heaving and puffing, he started dragging the kid out into the street, leading to a few curious glares from onlookers, someone calling in the local sheriff and the town's resident village idiot having a religious epiphany. This later caused him to start a cult, which eventually overtook the entire town's population before an afro-worship ritual went horribly wrong and ripped a hole in reality, causing everything within 100 miles to be devoured by a Great Old One. However, I digress.

...

However, by the time the confused sheriff arrived, still holding a half-eaten donut, both Marry and Awesome had vanished, with only a small "FedEx" sticker showing they had ever been there.

The Mysterious Stone Circle of Plot-Relevant Ominousness (or Ominousity, if you swing that way), Fantagorymoryir

There was another cascade of cheap-looking special effects probably ripped off from a Star Trek set, and a rather bulgy cardboard box popped into existence with a loud "Shoop". Then, the lid of the box opened, and Awesome climbed out, dragging the still unconscious Marry out before giving him a hard kick to rouse him.

Marry drowsily blinked his eyes, and promptly started mumbling, "That was one hell of a dream, I especially liked the bit with the horoscope-"

"Snap out of it," Awesome muttered, giving Marry another hard kick. "Ya ain't in no dream, ya've been brooght here ta fulfill yar destiny, ye ken?"

"Where have you brought me to?! You evil, evil kidnapper! I'll call the police!" Marry screamed hysterically, pulling out his phone. Immediately, Awesome snatched it from his hand, gave it a cursory glance and said, "An amulet, huh? Well, it'll probably be useful sometime..."

"You took my ph-" he was interrupted by yet another hard kick to the shin. "Ya gotta listen ter me. Let me ask yar a simple question... Who the hell do you think you are?"

There was an awkward pause, and Marry mumbled, "I'm Marry Ketchum from a family of newspapermen-"

"No, no, NO! You're not just plain old Marry Ketchum. Ya'r the Chosen One destined to save oor land from oppression, repression, wanton annihilation, income tax and all that bull.Ya'r special, not just any plain old Average Haroldhofsteinski!" Then, he jabbed at Marry's center parting, saying, "Marry, this here center parting IS YOUR SOUL."

Marry blinked a few times, confused. "This... is my soul."

"It's a metaphor! An idiom! A gerund... A simil- Ah, forget it, I'm not that great with big words. It's the mark of yar destiny, kid!" Then he dramatically pointed towards the sunset, just as an eagle soaring in the orange-tinted skies above screeched (as it was shot down by a certain Mildly Annoyed Stormrage, but that is a different story altogether). "And now, ya have to go forth and start on yar epic quest to bring purity and light back to da land. As the sage Steve the All-Knowing once said, "A journey of a single step, starts with a thousand miles!" Or something. So, we must begin our journey!"

Immediately, Marry stood up, purposefully strode forwards before stubbing his toe on a rock and falling over. So much for metaphors, eh?

It came as, frankly, quite a shock to Marry when he was brought to this queer land and told he was their rescuer. Why, it sounded just like something his favourite authors-- herculehastings, Wstfgl and TimeDragon888-- would write about! He hobbled uncertainly on one foot for a while, before stubbing the other toe on the same rock, and decided to walk normally. He glanced around at his surroundings, which involved little more than a patch of bare land and an ominous orange sky.

"So what needs restoring here?" he asked casually. "Everything looks fine and dandy to me."

As if Fantagorymoryir itself wanted to explain its own predicament, an enormous beast began stomping towards the two of them, causing the ground to rumble and shake. Marry fell for the third time and hit his forehead against the blasted antagonistic rock. He heard Awesome give a cry, and looked up to see the gargantuan beast in its full form. It looked like an inflated human being, its fangs glinting in the sun. "BIG MUSCLE STRONG!" it pointed out.

"Why, if I hadn't known better, I could've sworn that looks like-" Marry wanted to say, but Awesome was already pulling him away. They sprinted frantically across the field, huffing and puffing. Marry wanted to tell his companion that no matter how quickly they ran, the monster would still catch up with them anyway. And oh yes, what did that monster look like again...

"Come! Over here!" he heard a squeaky voice come from somewhere in the right. There was a golden-haired girl waving hurriedly to them. She was standing before a house situated in the middle of nowhere. Marry thought to ask why she was not running away as well, for the beast would surely crush that house beneath his feet. Yes, the feet did look familiar, come to think of it. Marry decided to save the matter for later, when he would ever be bored and had finished reading the newspapers. For now, he heeded her advice, for she was pretty (and pretty people could not possibly mislead others, never). Both men raced into the house, with the girl swiftly shutting the door behind them.

"This is the Hut Of Invisibility," she explained. "It'll hide itself from whomever it wishes not to be seen by. And this hut really hates things bigger than itself. I'm Princess Diana Nerissa Jacquetta Annabelle di Courdon. You may call me Diana Nerissa Jacquetta Annabelle di Courdon, for short; I know it's a mouthful to remember." She laughed, a tinkling laugh that made Marry stare besottedly.

"Thar's great, Di," Awesome acknowledged. "Now are we goin' ter stay here fer-ever 'til thar beast goes away? He's got a mission ter save Fantagorymoryir, yer know, and tax time is comin'."

"I already know that." Her dreamy brown eyes flicked up to the top of Marry's head. "And I'm going to help you with this quest. You may need the power of royalty to get through some of the places you'll be visiting on your journey. And I can also help to boost your morale when you're down by getting myself caught by a dragon."

"Ah, that sounds like a good proposition." Marry turned briefly to look at Awesome. "And, er... can someone tell me just what the journey entails?"

"Why, I think you should see the wizard first of all," the princess said. "And he'll tell you just how to forge the Sword of Power with which to fight and slay Echelonus Zardium once and for all."

Awesome raised his eyebrow at the princess, muttering, "Thar Sword of Power, huh?"

"Yes, the Sword of Power!" the princess with the overly long name replied. "I'm sure you know about it; it was the legendary blade of pure awesomeness that was used to vanquish the Great Unholy Beast of Uncleanliness over 9000 years ago." Then, the princess frowned, continuing, "But unfortunately, it was shattered and the fragments lost due to some business with gods and golden rings and all that, and only the Great Wizard Wick I'Pedia has the knowledge necessary to reforge it into its original form."

"Ah, so we have ta' find this Wick I'Pedia guy, I see," Awesome replied. "I remember he lives in one of those ridiculously huge magic tower thingies in tha' mountains. Those wizard types are all compensatin' for somethin', I say. Must be because they're all wearin' dresses. I don't think he'll be very happy to see me, though; I think I called him fat a few years ago." Then, he peeked outside the window, clenched his fist and said something extremely racist, sexist, ageist and otherwise generally denigrating and offensive about someone's mother, before pointing out of the window. Echelonius Zardium was still pacing impatiently around the hut, loudly demanding that Awesome and Co. stop their "EVIL COWARD TRICKERY" and come out obediently where he could see them, presumably to break their spines or something.

"You haven't thought this through too carefully, Di," Awesome said chidingly. "This 'ere guy's a demon; he'll hang around here FOREVER until we come out. They don't need food, drink, sleep, sexual favours and all that, remember."

"We'll just have to somehow sneak out, I guess," Marry said helpfully. That's probably the first useful thing he's said since I've met him. If only I didn't know that already. He started looking around the room -- there was a table, a candle stand, a few chairs, a rather moth-eaten olive-green sofa and a rather tasteless picture of a few cute puppies in a basket being lowered into a river.

Then, a spark of inspiration struck him. He pointed dramatically to the sofa, and announced, "I know EXACTLY what to do."

...

Echelonius Zardium was getting bored of this waiting game. The three cowards he was hunting had used some of their cowardly magical trickery to vanish somewhere, and apparently, shouting at them didn't make them mysteriously re-appear, as he would have hoped. He was getting rather frustrated by this entire situation, and was getting sorely tempted to summon a meteor to lay waste to everything nearby. Maybe big rock will scare them into appearing...

But then, just before he could further continue that train of thought, he heard the sound of a door opening. Then, a rather moth-eaten, olive-green sofa seemingly appeared from nowhere. Even more co-incidentally, it had reappeared exactly where the 3 cowards had vanished!

Immediately, the sofa growled in a deep, rough voice, "I'm a sofa. Carry on."

Echelonius looked at the sofa quizzically, and boomed, "DID YOU SEE THREE COWARDS HIDING FROM ME? I MUST CRUSH PUNY COWARDS."

The sofa paused for a moment, and then said affirmatively, "Absolutely. In fact..." A disembodied yet vaguely familiar-looking hand poked out from somewhere behind the sofa, pointing towards the sun, "They hid in that there big shiny ball. Yeah, certainly. And by the way, I'm a sofa."

"THEY HIDE IN BIG SHINY ROCK? THANK YOU, TALKING SOFA!" he boomed.

"Well, no problem. Don't forget, I'm a sofa." Then, with the sound of footsteps, the sofa slowly shuffled off as Echelonius took off in pursuit of the rock.
...

Several Hours Later

That rock was a lot further away than Echelonius had thought. He had ran towards it as fast as he could, but somehow, the rock always hovered in the sky just tantalizingly out of reach, never appearing to come any closer. In fact, he got the odd feeling that the rock was, inconceivably enough, running away from him. Looks like it was a coward as well; he got the urge to bombard it with meteors as well. Perhaps that would make it stop running and curl up in a corner and cry like the coward it was.

...

Several More Hours Later

As usual, the rock remained frustratingly out of reach; it was seemingly taunting him, running away at a speed just fast enough that he couldn't gain ground on it. It was certainly very infuriating -- he was getting the feeling that something was terribly wrong about his current situation.

Then, it struck him. He had been fooled. It was a trick so simple that he would have seen through it effortlessly -- had he retained his former intelligence. Those cowards had outwitted him once again, like the shameless, spineless wimps they were. Even his BIG MUSCLE couldn't stop them from fleeing.

He shook his fist at the heavens, screaming, "AWESOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!!!!!!!!!"

...

Immediately, a certain TimeDragon888, who was standing nearby eating popcorn, piped up, "Yeah, I'm awesome."

The great wizard Wick I'Pedia lived in a mighty castle with spires and towers that could rival even that of Ganondork's. It was built within a series of jagged mountains aptly named The Inter Nets because of how their curious orientation made them seem like a huge net from a bird's eye view. How a bunch of mountains can resemble a net, the writer does not know. Just take it that this group of mountains is called The Inter Nets.

Wick I'Pedia was rumoured to be the most intelligent wizard in the entire of Fantagorymoryr, but they say that about almost every intelligent wizard they come across, so it doesn't really say much. He loved taking the simplest of ideas, reword it into something worthy of winning the Nobel prize, and then explain it to everyone who came to visit him as though he had made an earth-shattering discovery. Such was his personality.

At this very moment, however, he was reading aloud to himself from his personal collection of 'intellectual' jokes. He had a very... unique sense of humour indeed. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" He mumbled in a wheezy voice. "Based on the General Theory of Relativity, the chicken didn't cross the road, the road moved under the chicken! Ahahaha, good one!" His laughter echoed throughout the huge library.

"Oh, oh, here's another one. Why did the chicken cross the road again?" He paused for a moment, as if to give the joke a dramatic effect. "Since the movement of the chicken can be considered as an incident wave, as it moves into a denser medium at the other side of the road, it will naturally cause a reflected pulse that will cause it to go backwards! Ahahahaha, absolutely hilarious!"



Somewhere else in a village thousands of miles away, an old man suffered from a sudden, severe heart attack and collapsed. His last words were, "Bad... jokes... too... overwhelming..."



Just as Wick I'Pedia was about to comment on how the superposition of the chicken might have resulted in several different possible paths of travel across the road, knocks could be heard from the door. "If it's the milkman," he yelled in his old raspy voice, "I told you already, your cows were eaten by a dimensional anomaly that was summoned by a random cult! I had nothing to do with it! Now go away!"

The journey to the wizard Wick I'Pedia's lair was not a very eventful story to relate, unless one enjoyed reading about searing afternoons and lovesick protagonists. In the off-chance that this manuscript has indeed fallen into the hands of one such reader, though, he would be pleased to know that the description of the trip that followed was at once composed of very hot days and very amorous men.

"This is pahssibly thar hahtest day I've evah encountered!" boomed Awesome as he whipped out a handkerchief from his pocket and mopped his moist brow gloomily. His hairy limbs were streaked with perspiration, and his elaborate medieval clothes were now stuck unfashionably onto his skin, with big patches showing up on his back that illuminated his bone structure.

"Oh yes, very hot..." mumbled Marry distractedly as he feebly brushed a hand over his hair (the notorious centre parting shining in the sun). His eyes were fixed on the princess Diana Nerissa Jacquetta Annabelle di Courdon and her mesmerising visage. She appeared graceful and lithe as she skipped over the meadows towards their destination, her eyes firmly ahead and portraying nothing but a picture of confidence. That might be attributed to the dainty umbrella she was holding up though, which formed a comfortable shade over her head.

"Are we reaching?" complained the oblivious Awesome. Marry secretly prayed that the tower where the wizard resided was far, far away, so that they could keep on travelling like this, free of worries and woe.

The princess replied, "It's just right inside that bunch of hills over there. No, you can't see it now; it's still a distance away. But to while away the time, let me tell you more about the great wizard," she smiled perkily. Marry nodded, seizing the chance to absorb every word uttered by her enchanting voice.

"Well, Wick I'Pedia is the sure winner of the Nobel Prize every year. He won the Nobel Peace Prize last year, and the Nobel Prize for Literature the year before, and word has it that he's a contender for the Nobel Prize for Chemistry this year. He knows everything about the world, literally everything. I've no idea how anyone can store so much information and make so many discoveries at a time. He's awfully good at magic too. One can't be knowledgeable without knowing magic, can one? And so he's the best candidate to instruct us about forging the Sword of Power, and fulfilling Marry Ketchum's prophecy.

"And here we are, at the Inter Nets. We just have to weave through this maze of hills and we'll be at the great Wick's doorstep."

-----------------------------------------

"If it's the milkman, I told you already, your cows were eaten by a dimensional anomaly that was summoned by a random cult! I had nothing to do with it! Now go away!"

Marry turned disappointedly at Diana. "Is that Wick I'Pedia? The one who's talking about milkmen and cows?"

Diana's eyes brightened. "Isn't he a genius?" she sang. "Wick! I'm Princess Diana Nerissa Jacquetta Annabelle di Courdon! And beside me is Marry Ketchum and John Smith!"

"John-" Awesome spluttered. "My name isn't John Smith!"

"Your real name isn't important to anyone in Fantagorymoryir anyway," the princess said coldly as the door opened to reveal an over-large nose attached to an old man. The old man studied his visitors calmly before asking, "And through which applied electric field have you electron chickens come to me?"

It took a moment for the true meaning of the question to sink into Marry's mind (it turned out to be a joke) and as he saw that Awesome and Diana were still contemplating the essence of the word "chickens"-- for their eyes were still glazed over-- he took the initiative to answer.

"We're here to seek your help, Mr I'Pedia. To get the Sword of Power and the insurance payout."

"Ah, and this man who stands before me is undoubtedly the famous Marry Ketchum?" Wick said wisely as his eyes settled on the buff frame of Awesome McBadAssCoolSaucetavish THE FOURTH.

It took the group quite a lot of explaining before Wick was convinced that Awesome wasn't actually Marry, but the scrawny little chap beside him was. "And this silly little fellow's going to save Fantagorymoryr how?" he asked in that irritable voice of his. "He can't even tell apart a superimposed standing wave from the change in sound caused by Doppler's effect, I bet!"

He led them into his inner chambers as he spoke, with all three of them looking equally confused. "Nevertheless, I suppose you'll be wanting to get the Sword of Power from me, eh?"

"Yes, that's what I said-" Marry started to say, but was cut off by Wick rather rudely.

"Shut up, you whippersnapper, I'm in the middle of my speech here. Gosh, what do they teach you in schools these days. I bet they don't even explain String Theory and the 10 dimensions of the universe anymore. Why, when I was your age..."

"Let's try to keep to the Sword of Power here," Marry suggested.

"My, what a rude little boy," Wick snorted. "If you weren't the chosen one, I would have sent you flying out of my castle in less than zero point three six two five parsecs! Well, here we are. Behold, the Sword of Power!"

The great wizard gestured dramatically at a glass container that was in the middle of the huge, empty room. Something was floating in the middle. It caught the attention of everyone in the room with its utter brilliance. It was...

"Isn't that a thumbdrive?" Marry pointed out.

"Yes, yes it is." Wick beamed. After a few moments, he continued, "Oh, this isn't the real Sword of Power, you nimwits. It contains the blueprints and all the instructions you need to make it. Jeez, do I have to explain everything to you primitives? Just bring this to the legendary blacksmith, blah, blah, blah, and there you have it, your Sword of Power. Now get out, I was just about to read the joke about the two electrons and the particle accelerator when you so rudely interrupted me."

Wick was already pushing them towards the front door. "Wait, you haven't even told us the name of the blacksmith yet!" Awesome protested. "Or how to find him!"

The great wizard scratched his head. "Oh yeah... Give me a sec to remember what his name was. Gah, my memory is rustier than a piece of iron placed in a concentrated solution of hydroxide ions for three years. Ah, that's right, his name was Ephraim Bay. But he likes people to call him E. Bay for short. He lives not far from here, actually. Just head straight over to his workshop, mention my name, and make sure you don't buy anything from him. He'll try to sell you rocks, I bet."

True enough, E. Bay's workshop was quite close to the tall, vaguely phallic tower that was the wizard's home. It only took a couple of hours, even factoring in "getting lost and asking pathological liars (otherwise known as forest sprites) for directions" and "stopping to make random exposition about mountains only distinguished from the others by a conspicuous lack of goats" time. However, passing through an empty village full of dead people clutching their chests with a horrified grimace of agony upon their faces was rather unnerving, to say the least.

The workshop was a rather unimpressive wooden shack on top of a hill. Hanging outside was a large white banner proudly declaring "GARAGE SALE -- WE SELL EVERYTHING, HONEST! (Free of imagined defects or your money back!)" There was a little shed at the back where a large number of miscellaneous artifacts scrounged from every corner of Fantagorymoryir were kept. Immediately, Awesome felt a compulsive urge to sneak over there and pilfer the largest, pointiest magical artifacts of great power from within. However, they had a mission to accomplish -- grabbing random loot was of secondary importance to constructing the Sword of Power.

He strode up to the door, hammered on the door a few times, and yelled, "WICK I'PEDIA!"

Immediately, the Princess groaned, and placed one hand to her forehead. "I don't think he meant "mention my name" so literally, Awesome..."

"Ah, fine! Whatevar, milady," Awesome muttered impatiently, and banged on the door a few more times. "'ELLO! IS ANYONE THAR? WE'RE LOOKIN' FOR THE GREAT BLACKSMITH E. BAY!"

Frustratingly enough, there was no response. No matter how much he yelled or how much he hammered the door, no one ever came to answer the door or at least mumble out a token "Uh. I'm coming..."

"Maybe he's not home," Marry said.

"Of course not! His appearance is vital to the advancement of this adventure! So, to minimize inconvenience and unnecessary time-wasting activities, he'll always be conveniently at home when we need him!" the Princess replied. "Praise be to Narrative Causality!"

"Maybe we should just bust the door down or somethin'. Maybe something happened ta him." Awesome said. The other two nodded in assent. Awesome reached into his afro and fumbled around a bit before pulling out his trusty cat-flail again. Then, with a few hard swings, and a lot of complaining from the flustered cat, the door fell off his hinges.

Immediately, they were buried by a flood of miscellaneous trinkets pouring out of the workshop. The sheer weight of the items almost crushed Awesome. Thankfully, he somehow managed to claw his way to the top of the pile, avoiding what could have possibly been the least heroic death for any decent Fantagorymoryirean hero. He reached into the pile and pulled out Marry and the Princess. Marry promptly spat out what appeared to be a magical golf ball, and mumbled confusedly, "What was that?"

"I have a very, very bad feeling about this," Awesome remarked as they climbed over the colossal heap of gathered detritus into the famed blacksmith's workshop. The workshop was quite a mess; massive stacks of trinkets, knick-knacks and the occasional glowing magical sword filled the workshop from wall to wall; some of the stacks even reached up to the ceiling. Then, Awesome realized the horrific truth on why the door was not answered -- from underneath a collapsed stack of magical shields and armor (and a golf bag autographed by Vaguely-Miffed Stormrage, for some reason), a hand was sticking out, reduced to a skeleton by the ravages of time.

"Huh. Dead," Awesome drily remarked. Immediately, the Princess let out a horrified, overly-exaggerated "GAAAASP!" as she noticed the hand.

"So, what now?" Marry asked.

"Um... Plan B." Awesome replied quickly.

"What's Plan B?"

"Finding out what Plan C is, sadly." he replied. We can't reforge the Sword of Power just like that. This is gonna suck.

"You know what?" Marry suddenly said, his teeth diligently working on a roasted meat bun he had scavenged from the pile of odds and ends that marked the final possessions of the late Ephraim Bay, "I can think of two possibilities to this mind-boggling mystery."

Awesome and the Princess Diana Nerissa Jacquetta Annabelle di Courdon were bending over the trinkets contained in the house, picking out the ones they thought would look good on their mantelpieces. At Marry's comment, Awesome set a toy pyramid (with a label attached entitled "The Pointy Artefact Of Doom") down on top of some clutter of mouldy bread on a table-- well, he could not tell for sure if it was a table or just a raised platform of some sort, since the table legs were obscured by other mysterious products-- and turned to him.

"What mystery are yer talking about? The guy died of old age waiting for us. Now thar most we can do fer him in return is ter find a few of the more prehcious arbjects a new home... with us," he answered, placing the pyramid into his pocket.

"Well, I'm sure this isn't as simple as it looks," Marry insisted, looking down at the gleaming white hand. "As I said, I can think of two possibilities. First, E. Bay mayn't be dead. We don't know for sure this hand belongs to him. He may have chopped off his own hand-"

"-and stripped the skin off of it?" the Princess interrupted, clapping a hand across her mouth in horror (and slipping a sweet into her mouth at the same time, which apparently "cures all backne!")

"Er... well," Marry shifted uncomfortably at the thought of E. Bay being more than a bit sadomasochistic, "I guess this hand doesn't belong to him after all. And the second possibility..." he lowered his head gravely, popping a CD into the dusty CD player beside him to play some epic music (and wincing when he realised the CD was of a song called "Candy Pop Sweet Heart").

"The second possibility is that someone knew we were out to forge the Sword of Power, and so came here to kill E. Bay before we arrived. This indicates that there's a villain on the loose, treacherous and corrupt, who will thwart our plans at the nearest contingency... I vote Possibility Number One!"

"Eh, I still think we'rah thinking too much," Awesome decided. "He just died by natural causes!"

The Princess bounded to Marry's side, causing a faint glow to appear on the latter's cheeks. "I vote Possibility Number One too! Number Two is much too pessimistic, and will signal an immediate unbalance of power between the good and evil side. If Possibility Number Two is true, we'll die in the next moment. The next moment has arrived and I'm still talking, therefore it's Number One that's correct!" she concluded merrily.

"Fahlse dichotomeh, I tell you!" Awesome argued. "He may have died naturally! And I took lahgic lessons in school."

"I suggest we stop bickering," Marry bickered, "and listen to me. The Chosen One's gut feelings are always right. In this case, we have to locate E. Bay, find some way to dispel the possibility of the same villain having nabbed him and imprisoned him somewhere, and then forge the Sword of Power."

"So who's with me?"

Marry did have a point. After all, he was the Chosen One, and the laws of the universe bended to accomodate the One's will. At least, that was the way things went in a place like Fantagorymoryir, where the fabric of reality was fluid, malleable and rather torn and tattered in places. Of course, in a place like Earth, even the Messiah himself standing on a freeway and expecting cars to swerve out of the way would meet a painful, horrible demise. (This is why some have suggested that the Second Coming had already, um, came, but some guy on the highway was a little too drunk to notice. Said people very often dress in nothing but black and quote Nietzsche at dinner parties.)

"Well, ya do have a point, laddie," Awesome said, turning to the boy, "But there's one thing ye forgot. We're up against dark forces who want ta shatter the peace we hold dear an' bring da world under their dark dominion, no? Well, da Sword of Power isn't just a force for good. In da wrong hands, it can be a devastating weapon o' mass destruction an' stuff. It would throw da entire equilibrium of Magically Assured Destruction out of whack."

"Magically Assured Destruction?" Marry asked. The name brought back memories of insipid history lessons, for some reason.

"Yar, Magically Assured Destruction. Yar know, how adventurers go around collectin' more and more powerful artifacts so that other adventurers won't dare to try to kill 'em, fearing lethal retaliation? Ya know, No First Use an' all that." Awesome pressed a button on the radio in hope of capturing the right ambience. (Unfortunately, to his chagrin, the radio started picking up tinny Gnomish power ballads from the Third Era.) "But the Sword of Power is so powerful even the most powerful and godly of magic swords look like glorified letter-openers compared to it. A villain wielding it would not fear retaliation by others. He would be able to CONQUER THE WHOLE OF FANTAGORYMORYIR." Immediately as he said this, a tinny little voice crooned, "I love you like the green grass below my feet," This completely ruined any dramatic effect his statement had.

"So you're saying a villain's kidnapped E. Bay to force him to build him the Sword of Power?" Princess Di interjected.

"Yep, that's right. That makes findin' 'im even more important than ever." He gestured dramatically towards the countryside outside, just as a wolf howled mournfully. "I suggest we start by raidin' one of those Evil Overlords' Towers of Phallic Compensation around here. We might not find 'im, but we might get information on who's got him captive." Marry and the princess nodded in agreement.

"But we can't go there empty-handed," Awesome said, gesturing derisively at the complete, conspicuous lack of weapons fastened around Marry's and the Princess' waists. "I suggest we help ourselves to E. Bay's collection of weapons. I'm sure he won't mind once we rescue him."

Ganondork chuckled. It wasn't just any ordinary chuckle, mind you. It was a full-fledged evil laugh that boomed throughout the entire castle and made even the toughest of demons shiver in fear. it went something like: "Heeheeheeheeheeheehee! Hoohaahoohaahoohaahaa!"

For this was no ordinary day. He had finally managed to capture E Bay, the legendary weaponsmith! (Not to be confused with Michael Bay, the slightly homicidal movie director.) After several months of relentless assault on his stronghold (which mainly consisted of knocking on the door and going away disappointed after E Bay refused to open it), he had devised a brilliant plot to capture him. You see, after reading an ancient tome of mystical knowledge, "Ye Pigs Trio And The Evile Wolf", Ganondork had taken the idea of sliding down the chimney from the text.

Fortunately for him, E Bay did not prepare a vat of boiling soup below, so Ganondork had landed safely in the fireplace. After that, it was a simple matter of holding E Bay's hand and dragging him all the way back to his castle.

"Guards! Bring me E Bay!" he demanded. Immediately, a man was thrown unceremoniously through the double doors that led to Ganondork's throne room. "Ah, E Bay. You do know why I brought you here, right?"

The bespectacled man with fuzzy hair stood up and replied, "I-I'm sorry! I never should have sold those goat porn videos! How was I supposed to know that they were below 16 years of age?"

"Goat porn videos?" Ganondork asked, his eyebrows raised. "No, I'm asking about the Sword of Power. You know, long weapon, extends when aroused, throbs with power at full strength, can fire white beams of energy. (But you can pass me some of those videos later.)"

"Oh, that," E Bay replied, relieved. "Sure, I'll make it if you have the blueprints. Speaking of blueprints, do you want to buy my Blue Footprint Collection Set? Limited edition, very rare-"

"No, no, no! You're doing it all wrong!" Ganondork demanded. "You're supposed to refuse me repeatedly, so that I can have fun torturing you and forcing you to give in!"

"Torture? I have this nifty portable torture chamber, I can sell it to you for $500."

"What? No, I want the Sword of Power-"

"No, I told you, I can't make it without the blueprints. However, I have the Sword of Shower, it spurts water whenever you swing it, very useful! For you, special offer, $300!"

"I don't want your stupid merchandise! Tell me where to get the blue-"

"Oh, I've got just the thing you need! The Merchandise-Be-Gone spray! Just spray this all over your entrance, and door-to-door salesmen will avoid it like the plague! I've only got a few of them left, they're very popular, very popular indeed. Just $200 for you, sir!"

"GAH!"

It did not take long for Marry to choose his favourite weapons and carry them in a sack. He picked out a butter knife that had been stabbing someone's eye, a wooden club perfect for giving trolls a taste of their own medicine (it even had the inscription "stop insulting internet users, retard" carved on its handle) and a bottle of pepper spray. He was an attractive young lad, after all.

Only when he lowered his sack to his feet in satisfaction did he discover that the butter knife had sliced cleanly through the papery material.

"Hurry up, Marry dear!" chirped the princess, her only weapon in hand-- a miniature electric fan that could apparently generate hot air in cold weather and cold air in hot weather. At the moment, though, all the air it was generating just had an incredibly musty smell. Marry hurried to the door where she and Awesome were standing, and stepped out of it, taking a much-needed breath of fresh, sweet nature air (there had been an odour hanging over all of E. Bay's goods, as if they had not been cleaned much in years).

"So where do we find these evil overlords' phallic towers?" he asked. Before Awesome could say a word in reply-- no doubt to correct his use of words-- there was a deafening roar coming from the sky, and a giant shadow shielded the sun momentarily. When Marry looked up in awe, he saw an enormous winged lizard, with green scales glinting on its body and a breath of fire shooting from its snout. The reptilian creature saw them, and landed with a loud thud on the grass beside them.

"It's a phoenix!" Marry exclaimed, pointing and gasping.

"No, it's a dragon, stupid," murmured the princess, rolling her eyes. "Which is just as dangerous. While phoenixes are capable of rising from the ashes of their bodies and muttering about brains, dragons have very stinky faeces! Let's run away before it excretes!"

"Good Lord, yes!" an unfamiliar voice boomed in reply. "Quick, let's run- wait, you're talking about me. Sorry, it slipped my mind for a moment."

They turned. The dragon's wings were folding gradually, and its slit-like yellow eyes peered curiously at them.

"By Jove," the dragon said, "you don't happen to be chickens, do you? Hello. My name's Dizzy. It's a shortened form of Desol, you see."

"How is Dizzeh sharter thahn Desol?" Awesome wondered, but Dizzy only went on talking. It was soon evident that he did not have ears, literally. Its head was slender and thinned out at the sides, and very obviously bare where the ears were supposed to be.

He went on talking. "I'm sorry if I don't seem to behave like a dragon to you. Only recently discovered my roots, you see. Was reunited with my long-lost parents only a week ago. Can you believe that for the first one hundred and sixteen years of my life I thought I was a parrot? Ha ha! Ha ha ha!" He threw his head back in laughter. Marry realised that the only reason they thought he was male was because he had a deep voice.

"So I'm learning the ways of the dragon now," he added. "My parents tell me I'm supposed to roast humans and eat them, but I haven't found a single human so far. Dragons don't eat chickens, though. Their meat is too tender. We like to work our jaws." He proceeded to demonstrate by grinding his teeth together, which only made odd clicking noises suspiciously resembling the scratching of a beak.

"So, what're your names, chickens?"